I have been having many conversations concerning my faith in the past week or so. I was raised Roman Catholic, from the day of my birth, and have just recently - in the past two years or so - found it a constant and irking thought in my head. I believe very strongly in what the Catholic church teaches, but I am not perfect and have not followed it exactly. I believe that what's in the bible should be taken literally and that there is truth in what I believe. However, I find myself very liberal when it comes to other people. I don't preach that because people do certain things or are a certain way, that they're not living their life right and they're going to hell. Honestly, I could care less about how other people feel and what they believe. I have my stand on issues, and noone can make me change my mind on these things...but it is not my right to tell others that because they believe things different than me, that they're wrong. I would never do that. All people have the ability to do what they want and to feel the way they want...and it is only right for other people to appreciate why they feel that way and to attempt to understand them. I'm more than glad that I was raised the way I was and taught the things I was, because it gives me the morals I have today and guides me through life. I'm not perfect - I've stolen things before (small things but that's beside the point), I've lied to my parents and other people in my life, I have premarital sex and do harmful things. But I believe that there is God and that Jesus was Christ, the son of God...and that what I did was wrong. I think the unending faith that I have in this higher power and the faith in the many things I believe gives me the strength to know that I can make mistakes, but that faith will never fade...and in the end, I will be given salvation.
Now the whole point of this wasn't to get out my points of view or to even have u hear what I believe...but it definitely came out like that. I just get frustrated sometimes because people have things to say about Catholics and Christians and that they're crazy for believing things and that they don't live their lives right when they sin time and time again, ask for forgiveness and continue to sin. Fine, have your opinions about those people...but I am not one of them, and neither are many of the people of this faith. I can only speak for myself and what I believe. It's not your place, nor mine, to say that they're not good people and that they're hypocrites... You have the right to your opinion, but so do they. If they believe that what they're doing is ok and right, so be it. It's just that, NOT YOUR PLACE. I'm tired of having to defend what I believe because someone has so much to say about why it might be wrong, but did I open my mouth to you and tell you that because you don't believe this and that, that YOU'RE wrong?! NO. And maybe it's me, and I'm just super okay with letting people live the way they want. Is it gonna be them that determine whether my life ends up ok, and whether I get into heaven or not?! no. It's all on me and I should be the only one to have any say in whether what I am doing is right or wrong. Yes, to me ABORTION should be illegal because we don't have the right to kill any human being for any reason, it is not our right to take another life and to cause death. Same goes for the Death Penalty...but I respect why people may see it differently and will never try to make them believe differently...because I am my own keeper...and only my keeper.
I want to raise my kids to believe certain things, because if I was not taught those things my life would be very different. I think that it is how you are brought up that effects your life and I want my kids to believe in certain things and have guidance. Now, when they become old enough and realize that they don't believe certain things that I have showed them...then they can make the decision to do what they want. But where will they be without some principles and morals taught to them? Isn't that our place as parents, to teach them what we can and to raise them to be great individuals? I'm scared, because the man I want to marry believes very different things than I...and I don't want our children to feel that they must choose between the things they are taught. I hope to someday have my voice heard by him, and get him to understand the reason behind the things I believe. And together we can decide how to raise our children and what to teach them. I don't want it to be everything I believe and nothing of his faith...or vice versa. I know its so far in the future, but to get him to begin to understand my faith now...will make it a better experience when we come to the time to make those decisions. So ask me questions about my faith and you'll hear my answer...but don't take what I say as the right way, or feel that you can't continue questioning my faith. That's fine...but don't judge, cause I will never judge you.
jizzle
frustration
For those of you who don't know...I have a great boyfriend. We're super serious...we've been dating for a little over a year (15 mths or something). We met two summers ago and kinda just fell head over heels in love with each other. He kinda professed his love (more like lust at the time) on the 4th of july in a drunken state...and of course I was flattered. We never really talked before that night but he had had his eye on me for a while. We went out about a week later...and within the month, I was in love. Well it's a tough relationship because he lives in PA now and I'm at school full time...but we make it work. however....
Sometimes I get so frustrated. I don't know what it is about Greg that makes me upset or that takes so much emotion out of me. I'm not unhappy with him or our relationship...but the distance wears on you like no other and sometimes you want that feeling that they are on the same page as you and want to talk to you all the flippin time, like you do, and that when the conversation ends weird that they think about it all night to. Now I don't know if he thinks like that or not. Sometimes he's a total in-love-freak and sulking cause he can't see me and the future is so unknown and there's nothing he can do...and then sometimes he's the carefree one who doesn't really feel like talking to me, wants to play video games or is just in that eager move to get going instead of sitting there and talking to me. I understand he's not a phone person but that is all we have being 100+ miles away and unless we write letters...what else can we do? I know that I can't be his main focus all the time because I'm not there, and he has a totally different life without me...but it's just that there are times when I'm busy and he's the frustrated one. I think that's the problem. We're so alike in the way that we feel about each other and the way we take things that happen in our relationship that we both get upset at the same things and then want the other to understand when we just don't have all the time in the world for them. I know that I'm frustrated now and that I want to just call him and tell him exactly how I feel...but also that I won't talk to him in two days and he'll be frustrated with my inability to talk to him when he wants. It's so weird...
Tomorrow I'm going on this retreat with my ADPi girls and I'm really excited. Some girls have definitely gotten to know me...but not living in the house and still being sorta new to the sorority, I'm kinda a mystery to alot of them. I'm just so looking forward to doing things and telling them about me and just getting to know everyone on a deeper level. I don't know if this will all happen in two days but it will eventually. Thank god for those girls. If I didn't have them right now, I'd be just really unhappy with my time here at umd. I needed something to keep me grounded when I'm away from my family and Greg and everything.
Sometimes I get so frustrated. I don't know what it is about Greg that makes me upset or that takes so much emotion out of me. I'm not unhappy with him or our relationship...but the distance wears on you like no other and sometimes you want that feeling that they are on the same page as you and want to talk to you all the flippin time, like you do, and that when the conversation ends weird that they think about it all night to. Now I don't know if he thinks like that or not. Sometimes he's a total in-love-freak and sulking cause he can't see me and the future is so unknown and there's nothing he can do...and then sometimes he's the carefree one who doesn't really feel like talking to me, wants to play video games or is just in that eager move to get going instead of sitting there and talking to me. I understand he's not a phone person but that is all we have being 100+ miles away and unless we write letters...what else can we do? I know that I can't be his main focus all the time because I'm not there, and he has a totally different life without me...but it's just that there are times when I'm busy and he's the frustrated one. I think that's the problem. We're so alike in the way that we feel about each other and the way we take things that happen in our relationship that we both get upset at the same things and then want the other to understand when we just don't have all the time in the world for them. I know that I'm frustrated now and that I want to just call him and tell him exactly how I feel...but also that I won't talk to him in two days and he'll be frustrated with my inability to talk to him when he wants. It's so weird...
Tomorrow I'm going on this retreat with my ADPi girls and I'm really excited. Some girls have definitely gotten to know me...but not living in the house and still being sorta new to the sorority, I'm kinda a mystery to alot of them. I'm just so looking forward to doing things and telling them about me and just getting to know everyone on a deeper level. I don't know if this will all happen in two days but it will eventually. Thank god for those girls. If I didn't have them right now, I'd be just really unhappy with my time here at umd. I needed something to keep me grounded when I'm away from my family and Greg and everything.
lost in this world
These past weeks back at UMD have been fun...but emotionally and physically draining. I don't know if it's that I have too much on my plate or the fact that I try to please everyone but myself. I don't really know. It's hard to be alone...to live with people who don't know you and in all reality, you like it that way. I do exclude myself from certain people and I'm content being a nerd or watching tv all night instead of going out. I'm happy talking to Greg for hours on end instead of hitting up a party that anyone who's anyone is going to. In a few years, those things won't matter and will just seem like petty attempts to try to fit in. I love the girls that I have become close to and friends with through ADPi and I feel like I fit in there. There are people who don't go out all the time and people who are less concerned with what other people think and how they view us as a whole family than I am. I didn't join because I wanted to be popular or to be looked at a certain way. I joined because I loved the feeling being with people who are down to earth and to have that friendship that never goes away. I want people to join because of that reason, because they feel at home, not because we give the impression that we're the shit. We know that anyone would be happy in our family, because that's just what we are, but giving it off like we want pretty girls and girls that are this and that is just stupid. They'll love us just as much as we love them if they are meant to be with us.
I'm fed up with people. I'm fed up with people who are rude, who always have shit to say but are nothing but a nuisance in my life. My life doesn't revolve around anyone. I feel so low sometimes because of these people that I just feel like giving up and becoming nothing...at least I wouldn't have to deal with their shit. It's mean, but it's because of who they are and the way they act that people look at them that way. I'm not racist and I'm not prejudice...but I've seen so many aspects of some people it's hard not to yell at them to fix the way they are.
Get over your issues and let other people live the lives they have. People will never look at you as pretty or friendly when the entire persona you portray is nothing like that. People can't help but be rude and mean when you are the same way about yourself. Get over yourself and learn to deal with other people or you'll never get anywhere in life, and especially in the college world you live in. People don't give a shit about other people, they're concerned with themselves and what makes them happy...not you.
I'm on a rant and I have no idea if anything made sense but AHHH I could hit someone I'm so FED UP.
I'm fed up with people. I'm fed up with people who are rude, who always have shit to say but are nothing but a nuisance in my life. My life doesn't revolve around anyone. I feel so low sometimes because of these people that I just feel like giving up and becoming nothing...at least I wouldn't have to deal with their shit. It's mean, but it's because of who they are and the way they act that people look at them that way. I'm not racist and I'm not prejudice...but I've seen so many aspects of some people it's hard not to yell at them to fix the way they are.
Get over your issues and let other people live the lives they have. People will never look at you as pretty or friendly when the entire persona you portray is nothing like that. People can't help but be rude and mean when you are the same way about yourself. Get over yourself and learn to deal with other people or you'll never get anywhere in life, and especially in the college world you live in. People don't give a shit about other people, they're concerned with themselves and what makes them happy...not you.
I'm on a rant and I have no idea if anything made sense but AHHH I could hit someone I'm so FED UP.
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its coming to an end
So my sophomore year at UMD is coming to an end. I don't want to leave for the beach quite yet. It's going to be the toughest summer yet and I just wish things would start getting easier and not harder.
This past semester has taught me so much about myself and what I need to do, it's a blessing. It was probably the easiest semester that I've had class-wise. I took great classes and it went by so fast. I don't think I'll ever feel this good about grades in a long time. But I'm working towards getting the hell out of here and moving on in life. I love college and I love UMD, but I want other things so bad sometimes. Greg has made such an impact on my life in the past couple months. This spring he jumped to the occasion so many times - coming to see me every weekend he could, treating me like a queen, and giving me that good advice when I felt like breaking down. He made me be true to my feelings and wants and forget about the people that pushed me down in the past. But what's new I guess...he's always been the best thing that's happened to me.
I've lost some friends this past semester and some I miss while others can just get out. When a friend of yours treats you like your opinions don't matter, that you're just another face in the crowd...you realize that those people were never your real friends. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me, I just wish others could realize that about themselves. I had the best roommate this semester because she let me be me...and was happy with who I was. Some of my suitemates were awesome, and I will really miss them after we leave this place. I felt like, for a long time, that I was living a nightmare. I was doing everything I needed to do to be happy but still getting treated like shit. I just didn't know what to do with my life at that point. Then I came to the realization that those people that stepped on me, that took their own issues out on others, weren't even worth my time. They can be rude and bitches and act like children, because I'll continue to laugh it off. It's funny that people put so much effort into something they obviously don't care about. I know, they're desperate...but god, get over it.
Thanks to the people that have made college fun. Thanks for the cries and the laughs...
and to all you bitches - fuck you.
happy st. patrick's day
It's been forever I know. Drama has seem to taken over the past couple weeks. I've been true to who I am, I say what's on my mind and try my best to make other people happy while being myself, I've dealt with problems the best way I can. It just doesn't seem to work anymore. I haven't changed, I haven't become a different person. I know that I may not have been the best friend to some people, but I have been true. I have stood by people and been there for them, even if they didn't want me to be. I would never take back ways that I acted, because it was always good for me.
I've lost friends over the years whether it was through conflict or just falling outs, but I'll always remember those people and the impact that they did have on my life. My best friend from kindergarden til 8th grade has changed dramatically, pregnant now, but she has never been untrue to me. We're not best friends, but we still love to see each other and catch up..and we do worry about each other when we don't see each other for a long time. The friends I had in highschool were awesome and some are still friends, and I may have hurt some by actions but they're still friends. College can change people in many different ways. I've definitely become more aware of what I need and want rather than focusing on others. I have come to a few with my deepest problems and they have helped in so many ways. When did all that change? I've been put down, lied to, yelled at, disappointed by, and hurt by those people that are supposedly some of my "best friends"?? I just don't get it.
It's St. Patrick's Day. One of my favorite holidays, being Irish and all, but also because my birthday is tomorrow. I don't expect anything from anyone, I've got all I need. A few surprises may be nice...like I wonder what Greg got me..? Tomorrow my family, Greg, and I are going to a St. Patricks Day bazaar. It's an ok time. It's fun..because people get drunk and funny and because well, you can win some cool stuff. Greg just can't wait until he can drink with my dad. woo hoo. I'll be so old. It feels like I'm still really young and I'll be 20. It's crazy...
I'm out. Until next time...
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